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Being a Significant Other, Friend, Family Member or Ally (SOFFA) of a Transgender Person
INTRODUCTION
Transgender (TG) refers to people who feel that their assigned birth sex is a false or incomplete description of who
they are. TG is an umbrella term which encompasses groups like cross-dressers, transgenderists, transsexuals, drag queens/kings,
genderqueers and other identity categories.
“SOFFA” is an acronym which refers to Significant Others,
Friends, Families and Allies. Oftentimes, when TG people “come out” of the closet, their loved ones undergoes
a “coming out” of their own. Reactions to the news that a loved one is TG range from mild amusement, to shock,
to anger, hostility and outright rejection. Some TG youth are ejected from their homes when they reveal their TG natures to
their families. Adult TGs may experience the loss of a spouse. Some family members “disown” their TG loved one
due to their inability to comprehend the trans experience. While some loved ones have an inkling of that “different
something” in their friend or family member, other people are genuinely shocked to learn of these non-traditional gender
identifications.
COMING TO TERMS WITH TRANS
There is, of course, no one “right” way to react.
It takes most trans people many years to accept themselves. They should thus give SOFFAs some time to adjust, learn and understand.
Many SOFFAs report feeling like their loved one has died when they transition their gender. This “grieving” period
is the time that SOFFAs often need to say good-bye to the old gender and adjust to the new. Many trans people do not see their
transition in this way; for them transition is like a renaissance and time for celebration.
URGENT NEED FOR SUPPORT
Given the higher rate of substance abuse, depression and suicide among the TG Community, people genuinely need and
require the support of their loved ones. This is a difficult journey for all involved, but often the trans person is facing
stigma from every possible direction. Trans people continue to suffer massive discrimination from society, increasing their
need for affirmation and safe harbors from the storm. So while it understandable that SOFFAs may need time to come to terms
with their loved one’s transgenderism, hopefully they will eventually come around to understand the gravity of the situation.
Trans people are just trying to be who they are, and though their outsides may change, ultimately they are still the same
person.
JOINING TOGETHER
Transphobia (the irrational fear and hatred of those who cross or transgress
the male/female line) is a prevalent problem in all facets of US society. Thus it is imperative to address transphobia in
churches, schools, the workplace and in FAMILIES. It is only by working together that we can build healthier, stronger families
where love and understanding flourish.
ALLIES
Ally: In its verb form, ally
means to unite or form a connection between. In the Gender Community, allies are all those wonderful non-trans folks who have
attempted to educate themselves about gender issues, who work to reduce transphobia in themselves, their families and communities,
and who try their best to support trans people in the political, social and cultural arenas. United, shoulder-to-shoulder,
we can forge a world of freedom, acceptance and justice. TG people and our SOFFAs are a force to be reckoned with!
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
- Mohandas Gandhi
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